Socks the Cat and the Feline Philosophy Concerning Dogs

I was chatting with Socks the Cat the other day -- yes, we use our human-feline translation devices to facilitate our discussions -- and I absentmindedly mentioned the word "dogs".

Boy was that a mistake!

Clearly annoyed, and obviously offended, Socks went into a tirade and proceeded to lecture me at length regarding the topic of -- what else -- the superiority of cats over dogs. The gist of her remarks were the following:

Dogs. Who needs dogs? Why in the world a human would ever choose to own a dog over a cat is beyond me. They are dumb, slow-witted animals. They slobber and drool all over the place. They are walking flea bags and tick hotels. Ugh . . . disgusting! Furthermore, they are uncouth animals and totally lacking in manners. They poop and urinate all over the place, and then don't even have the decency to cover it up when they are done.

Oh, and did I mention how much dogs stink? Have you ever seen a dog lick himself clean? Of course not! They even have to depend on their human owners to give them a bath -- in water of all things! -- as otherwise, their stench would be intolerable.

But what annoys me the most about dogs is their slavish attitude. They possess absolutely no air of independence. Their owner says "Come!" and they come. Their owner says "Fetch!" and they obediently fetch without any resistance whatsoever. If you want to gain any respect in this world, you've got to demonstrate at least a little bit of resistance and independence. But dogs? Nope. Their whole trip seems to be to bend over backwards to please their masters.

We cats are simply beyond such humiliating, abusive behavior. We are smart enough to let our human slaves know that we are in control of the situation and not them. For example, when we enter a room, it isn't because we have been summoned by our, ahem, "owners", or because we feel the need for human companionship; it is simply because we have decided of our own accord to grace the room with our presence.

I tried to come to the defense of dogs and explain to Socks that she was being overly harsh concerning the canine species, and that dogs were not the vile, despicable creatures that she imagined, but she refused to give me an ear.

When I gently tried to inform her that many humans have long considered dogs "man's best friend", she launched into a counter argument regarding how cats have been revered -- and even worshipped -- since the time of the ancient Egyptians. She also reminded me matter-of-factly of how many cats -- and kittens -- have been killed by "man's best friend". "They may be man's best friend, but they certainly aren't mine!" she shot back as anger filled her eyes.

It was useless. Socks wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise. Her mind was made up, and there was nothing that I could do to change her opinion of dogs. In the end, Socks let me know that our discussion was over when she walked away with a smug, satisfied look on her face.

Well, what can I say? I tried, but feline pride . . . well, you get the picture.